who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
