I smell stomach acid.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
