He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
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