I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
