No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
