Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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