Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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