you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Boobs speak an international language.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
