i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
