i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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