my room smells like sperm. sweet.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
