well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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