Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
