I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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