I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
