in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
