The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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