i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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