Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
