Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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