My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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