It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
