i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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