Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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