My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
