I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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