So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He better not be in your backpack
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
