I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
