remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
