Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
