So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
