I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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