I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
