I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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