whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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