I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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