YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
