and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
