I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
