Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
