I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
