I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
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I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
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I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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