Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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