you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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