I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
