I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
