I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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