Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
