saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
