we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
