You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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