my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
