yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
