i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
