Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
