I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
