Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
